Over the past few months, my husband and I have come to the realization that no, we’re not going on that over-seas trip because we’re having a baby! We’re not installing new kitchen cabinetry because we’re having a baby! We’re not fencing in our backyard because we’re having a baby! You’re not going on that sky-diving trip because we’re having a baby and you can’t die and leave me here alone. What?
The money we would be spending is now going to nipple cream, butt cream, blankets that you receive things in, blankets that you wrap things up in, blankets that are annoyingly called “lovies”. Swings, play-pens or yards or packs or boxes, onesies - twosies - threesies. If you’re a new parent, the list is overwhelming. Will my child die if I don’t buy this brand of wipe? Should I be concerned about this pacifier and the manufacturer’s evil plan to confuse my baby? Is this my mother’s nipple? IS IT? I’m so confused! Maybe my baby should have this type of toy so that he is intellectually stimulated at a very young age, which will prove to be beneficial when he is sitting for the MCAT in 20 plus years.
Check these out:
Staring rabbits. Any way you turn this puzzle, the rabbits just keep staring. Is this really interesting to a toddler? Where are the fun colors and the cute bunny faces? I get it. There are several different ways to solve this puzzle. Thank God. I wouldn’t want my child to get his feelings hurt when it didn’t work on his first try. Now, to go and find a little league soccer team where the coach cheers when a player runs away from the ball and tells him, “Hey, great job recognizing your feelings about that ball. Who needs to score? Or play the game, right? High-five.”
Look are that pretty green paint. So soothing. Cute bassinet, right? Hmm…wheels may not be a great idea.
OH MY GOD. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT DUCK?!
I phone, you phone, we all phone for ridiculous apps. Hey, hun, we should totally buy that app that analyzes our baby’s cry. I mean, I definitely want to put my overly expensive phone in the crib where our child can have explosive diarrhea all over it and then I’ll be like, Oh, no. Baby is crying. Let me go check my phone and see why. Wait. I can’t because it’s covered in poop. What do I do now?!! I just want to know if the app recognizes the cry of a baby who is sad she was born to such f-ing idiots.
Oh, Glory Be! Do you think she knows there’s a baby coming out of that hole in her vest? Maybe you’ve seen this picture before. I searched for its origin and could not for sure connect it to www.togetherbe.com, but it seems likely they are the ones to blame. And, they’ve taken this particular product off the website. Wonder why? I love alien baby heads. This particular baby head is consuming this woman from the inside out. But at least they are both warm.