While visiting our friend out in California, I realized that people out there have a different “coffee lifestyle.”  There, they get up and have to put pants on in order to have coffee.  I, on the other hand, can drink coffee naked in my kitchen.  Although, I wouldn’t recommend it – for several reasons.  There, they enjoy leaving the house and walking to buy a $5 cup of coffee.  While the coffee we had in CA was wonderful, I enjoy the delay brew button on my coffeemaker at home.

Which brings me to my current problem.  The delay brew is no longer working on my coffeemaker.   Our “Mr. Coffee” has been very good to us over the years, but it’s time to update.  I was online “shopping” around and started reading the reviews of different brands.  Hilarity!  These people are insane!  I never knew an inanimate object like a coffeemaker could stir such emotion – the kind of emotion that makes people get online and talk about it.  Here’s an example, in my own words – this means it’s a fake one:

TROUBLED.

Okay.  So, I bought this coffeemaker last week.  WHAT A WASTE OF MY LIFE!!!!  See, I had to go and buy a totally new one because my stupid – a** brother broke my old one.  I told him to be careful pouring the water in but no, he spilled it all down the side and about electrofried himself.  And if you think I would have paid the emergency room bill,  you got another thing coming!  I did that last time when he was mixing up the crystal-meth in my garage and mixed all the chemicals up all wrong and stuff.  Idiot.  Anywayz, this coffeemaker sucks.

 

Right.  Here’s another:

 

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

Oh my gosh!  My life is now complete.  I bought this coffeemaker yesterday and oh my gosh it makes the best coffeeeeeeeee!  I’ve had like 6 cups already today.  Weeeeeeeee!  What a ride!  It’s so pretty too on my counter.  I especially love that the buttons are like touch screen and not raised at all because who really needs the clutter of actual buttons?  You know?  I mean, I’m totally de-cluttering my life now.  The buttons really inspired me to just stop and think and stop wasting like my time and my relationships with people and stuff.  You know?  I’m totally going to talk to my therapist about that today.  I should definitely stop sleeping around.  THIS IS THE BEST COFFEEMAKER EVER IN THE WORLD AND UNIVERSE/GALAXY!

 

What?!

I really just want a coffeemaker that works.  And don’t ever read cell phone reviews.  You’re setting yourself up for brain overload.  Fifteen year old girls like to tell anyone who will listen how awesome or not awesome a phone is based on the number of texts they can send out and how quickly.  I got a weird twitch in my left eye after I read some of these. 

If you’re bored, I recommend Target (have you ever noticed that Target has a “Scandinavian Cooking” section? – what’s that?) and Walmart sites for the best reviews.  Look up something crazy or start broad like “appliances.”  That always gets people going!  Also, look for reviews in all caps.  Sometimes, and this is just a guess based on my own research, this means that English is not his/her first language.  Those are the real gems.  Expect things like: Why handle broke? Forst 2 days. Crap!

Just read them for fun. 

 

Now you know what us unemployed people do all day.  🙂

Advertisements