This is what happens when Photoshop offers a free online program to amateurs.

This is what happens when Photoshop offers a free online program to amateurs.

 

I was just telling a friend of mine that I fear my lower legs will end up looking like two pigs sitting on my feet.  THIS IS WHY I GO TO THE GYM.  If I didn’t workout, it would probably look more like 4 pigs.  Is that enough for a herd?  Or is it a litter? Oink Oink.  I strapped on my shoes and pulled myself into my workout gear and headed for the gym this morning.

I prefer the treadmill over the elliptical.  I may be the only woman on the planet that will tell you this.  It seems to be a woman’s machine.  Why?  My knees do weird things on the elliptical.  I think it’s because I suffer from knot-kneedyness.  I look my best while walking at a severe incline.  The only exception is when I’m walking too quickly on an incline and have to hold onto the bars so that I don’t tumble backward and end up riding one of the stationary bikes with my head.  Check YouTube.  It happens.

I also enjoy the treadmills because they are located in the middle of the gym.  While I’m walking I have an assortment of things to watch.  I could choose to watch the TVs on the wall, but they are never as interesting as my fellow gym-ers.  Here is a list of things I noticed this morning:

1. Tight Tuckos-es.  (Side note: when I used the spell-checker on this post it did not like “Tuckos”.  The spellchecker suggests “tacos” instead.  Not really what I’m going for here.)  I raise my glass to firm buttocks.  There are these machines – I don’t know what to call them – that provide a stationary skiing motion.  Essentially, the legs must push out to the side.  I have noticed a grouping of males who pick the treadmills located directly behind this set of machines.  With good reason.  Please understand that I am not attracted to women.  I like The Hubbs.  But! Butt!  I saw the best rear on a woman working out on this machine.  I was mesmerized!  Her movement had the lulling quality of a mobile above a baby’s crib.  I kept thinking, “How do I get that?  I want that!”  Apparently, you go skiing.  I tried this machine once on a slow day at the gym.  It’s ridiculously hard and I was sore for 3 days.

2. Lots of Make-Up. Sweaty make-up. Eck. Gross.  Actually, the ladies that come in full make-up (in the morning) are usually the same ladies that are not at the gym for a physical workout.  They are there to work their mojo muscles.  They’re at the gym looking for a date.  We’ll take it down to the singular – the woman that fits this description.  She wears the CUTEST workout clothes – also the most expensive.  *Why are the cute clothes only in small sizes?  Those of us who really need to be at the gym can’t find cute workout clothes!  I’ll stick to my baggy shirts and loosey-goosey pants.* She might glisten but you’ll never see her red in the face with weird sticky hair on the side of her head.  She carries a feminine water bottle that matches her outfit.  Somehow, she’s very flexible and all she does is stretch. 

3. To the Guys!  I adore the older men that come in and really hit it on the treadmills.  Some of them can go faster than I can.  I get into silent competitions every once in awhile.  “Oh, yeah?!  I’ll take it up to 4.3 mph.  Whatcha got, old timer?!”  This morning I saw this guy that comes everyday in the same outfit.  Maybe he does have 5 pairs of gray sleeveless shirts and gray shorts.  The problem is that he sweats profusely-everyday.  There are not enough towels in the gym.  Gray is not a good color for sweating.  Women know this.  We don’t wear gray shorts or pants to the gym.  The probability that we could show butt sweat is way too high.  Unh unh, sista.  Then, there are the uber muscly-veiny-steroidy-want-to-be-body-builders.  I’m sure that there are women out there that find this type attractive, but when I walk up to a squat machine and one of them asks me if he needs to remove the weights from the machine for me, I do not giggle or flip my hair.  I say, “No, thanks.”  And then almost drop 45 lbs on my toe.

 

So, I got my 50 mins. of cardio and my 30 mins of weights this morning.  I think the pigs are tired.

P.S. This is part of a watermelon in between two cars in the parking lot of the gym.  Why is it there? I think I scared a mother and two children while trying to drive and get this picture.  Talk about a drive-by-shooting.

P.S. This is part of a watermelon in between two cars in the parking lot of the gym. Why is it there? I think I scared a mother and two children while trying to drive and get this picture. Talk about a drive-by-shooting.

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