UnoMe: Yes you do! You cheat at Uno.

The Hubbs: You are talking about one time and I did not cheat.

Me: Yes you did. Looking at someone else’s cards is cheating.

TH: Not when they have them displayed so that everyone can see them.

Me: You could have looked away. You looked and then you played cards that directly affected my hand.

TH: This was five years ago.

Me: You cheated. Uno is a classic family game and you cheated.

TH: No. I didn’t. I took advantage of the situation that you put me in by showing me your cards. You should have kept your cards to yourself.

Me: So answer me this, let’s say another woman’s boobs are hanging out of her shirt due to a poor blouse choice. Do you stare at them? Hmmmm? Are you going to take advantage of that situation because she is not KEEPING THEM TO HERSELF?

Oh, boy.

I know I’m not the only woman who has put her husband in what is called “a pickle.” In his mind, hypothetical and/or appearance questions = trap. And, he’s probably right. Women have an innate ability to come up with the most involved and often times ridiculous situations in which to place the men in their lives. Why? To test them, of course.

Her: Honey, if we were hiking in the woods and got lost and there were bears and coyotes circling us, would you throw yourself at their mercy so that I could run to safety?

Him: What? You would never go hiking. And, I was a boy scout so we would never get lost. AND, bears and coyotes would never circle together. Most likely, your running would cause them to pay more attention to you and they would chase you and get you and eat you. For breakfast.

I guess the “correct” answer is “Of course I would throw myself in front of you to block the vicious beasts so that you may live to see another day and as you run gracefully without sweating to the nearest campground you will hear me use my last breath to yell out your name.” Sounds good to me.

Her: Honey, I just got back from my stylist and look what she did to my hair.

Him: Um. What’s wrong with it?

Her: What’s wrong with it? Look at the back. And the front. I look like Clay Aiken on crack.

Him: Oh. Umm. I think it looks great? Besides, I don’t think Clay Aiken does drugs.

Her: Well, maybe not, but if he did THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD LOOK LIKE!

I don’t know if there is a “right” answer to this one. He should just try to button up the jokes until she is out of hearing range. As my father always said, “Men should avoid the hair question like the plague.”

Her: Man, you know I am working so hard and I haven’t lost a pound. You mowed the lawn and lost 5 pounds. What am I doing wrong? Are you still going to love me if I don’t lose this weight?

Him: Well, for starters you could put the chip bag down while asking me a question like that. And wipe the ranch dressing off your chin.

Run for the hills. And don’t lose any more weight on the way.

Him: Well, honey, you’ve had two kids. What did you expect? Now, there’s just more for me to love, sugar-dumplings.

Watch for flying pots and pans!

Him: Oh, honey. I think you look great. I don’t know why you’re working so hard anyway. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll spoon feed you carbs. I will always love you.

A man that would say that does not exist and if he does, take stock. He’s probably stealing your things.

As for The Hubbs, his age is a testament to his ability to anticipate my moody question-asking. He’s lived this long, hasn’t he? In retrospect, I’d probably stare at my hypothetical woman’s boobs and wonder what it would be like to have a butt for a chest. I’d want to take one of those cute little cheeseburger flags (because I’d probably be inhaling a burger at the time – who has time to chew?) and stick it in her cleavage and yell, “We surrender!” If we ever play Uno again, I will make sure not to have my cards out in the open on display. I wouldn’t want to ruin my new pots and pans.

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