Web Ready Classified 1editI like to read classified ads in the paper and online.  I scroll down the job listings, but not seriously.  Something that will make me laugh – that’s what I’m looking for.  And puppies.  I’m always looking for puppies.  I stay away from the “Personal Ads” because nothing good can come from having those words enter through my eyes and into my brain ruining normal objects like watering cans, batteries or spoons or normal activities like swimming, carpooling, or getting a haircut for the rest of my life.  Yesterday, I reached the back page of a local weekly paper and found an interesting ad.  I think (I could be wrong) the back page is the more expensive classified ad area.  You pay more to be on the back.  Here is the ad:

 

BODYRUBS BY TYE-RON

For Men Only.

Airport Location. Major CC accepted.

 

Let’s discuss.  Here’s what we know:

1. This guy’s name isn’t really Tye-Ron.  His name is Daniel or Mike or John –something less slick and sneaky.  No offense if your name is “Tye-Ron.”

2. By “bodyrub”, which incidentally should be two words, he means touchy-touchy feely-feely on naughty parts.  This is just a guess, obviously.  There is a chance that he wants to give body rubs/massages, practice reflexology and finding pressure points.

3. For Men Only:  Well, he’s gay or he is scared of boobies.  I think being scared of boobies is entirely plausible.  Although, I don’t know many women that would intentionally get their boobs massaged for a fee.

 4. Airport Location: Perfect.  Quick, no commitment.  Possibly for those guys on business trips looking for a little excitement.  Or, of course, it could be to work out the travel kinks.  Kinky.

5. Major CC accepted:  Credit cards, hmmm.  That means he either has one of those old school slide carbon-copy mechanisms or he has an electronic doo-hickey that processes CC info.  Either way this = a business transaction.  I hope he doesn’t get audited.

I offer to “Tye-Ron” this revision:

 

TOUCHY-FEELIES BY MARK

I don’t like boobies.  I prefer male clients, if you please.

I am close to the tarmac and can have you back to your terminal in time for a pit-stop at the potty.

Don’t get cheap!  Pleasure has a price!

 

Perhaps “Tye-Ron” should consider the next to the last page, assuming it would be cheaper.  That way, he could afford to use more words.  Then again, maybe his words are enough.

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