I have great memories of my bridal showers.  They went smoothly, were great fun and everyone is still on speaking-terms.  If you or someone you know is planning a bridal shower, you may want to take the following list into account:

 

  1. Do Not decorate a cake using the bride’s ex-boyfriend’s name.
  2. Do Not play the “How Many Kids Will She Have?” game when you know she can’t have children.
  3. Do Not ask if the “other brother” is coming to the wedding.  The bride’s mother had him several years before the Bride and the Bride is unaware of his existence.  Also, never get drunk with the bride’s mother again.
  4. Do Not ask the groom’s mother “what’s that smell” and be surprised when she tells you it’s her perfume and she has purchased a bottle for all the bridesmaids, you included.
  5. Do Not say to the bride’s cousin, “look at that idiot kid over there eating ribbon.”  It’s her kid and “he has that disease that causes him to eat random s**t.”
  6. Do Not get drunk and tell Catholic Priest jokes – especially sexual ones considering the bride’s brother is a Catholic Priest that has “been passed around to several parishes.”
  7. Do Not leave your cell phone ringer on.  You have the kind that allows you to record your own ring and you wouldn’t want the bride’s sister and Maid of Honor to hear your voice saying, “I’m the Maid of Honor!  I’m the Maid of Honor!”
  8. Do Not talk about how tacky a white bathing suit with “Bride” written on the butt in rhinestones is as the bride is opening a gift containing that very suit.
  9. Do Not seat the mother of the bride (MOB) next to the mother of the groom (MOG) in light of their recent tiff over the shade of cranberry in the table arrangements for the reception.  The swelling around MOG’s eye is just beginning to go down.
  10. Do Not toast to the upcoming wedding saying that you know the couple will be together forever because only losers get divorced.  You just got divorced.  And try not to cry.
  11. Do Not make a face when the bride asks for a “smidge” more cake.  Also, do not ask her how she plans on fitting in to that dress.
  12. Do Not chat “quietly” about how you would never marry the groom on account of his teeth.
  13. Do Not accidentally bring the bachelorette party gift instead of the shower gift.  You don’t want to put out the MOG’s good eye with what you have dubbed the “crazy magical spidey tickler.”
  14. Do Not underestimate the groom’s grandmother’s hearing.  She will not appreciate your comments on the bride’s “something old.”  Plus, sewing his grandmother into the hem of her dress just doesn’t make sense.
  15. Do Not run out of the room screaming, “How could someone be so foul? Stop saying those wretched things!”  as the MOB recounts her own honeymoon in Key West.
  16. Do Not circle the groom’s name over and over again in the “Wedding Word Search.”  Some might get the wrong impression.  On that note, scratch out “Love Never Dies” and the hearts beside his name as well.
  17. Do Not stare at the bride’s aunt as she mumbles unintelligible words.  You have already been briefed concerning the aunt’s imaginary centaur.  He has his own seat at the reception.
  18. Do Not take the opportunity to discuss with the MOB the suspicious behavior of the bride’s father.  You are sure he was, in his mind, tuning a large radio while staring at your boobs.
  19. Do Not feign a headache to leave early only to go out with other friends.  The party pictures on Facebook including your chest bump with the pool table may demote you to handing out the ceremony programs.
  20. Do Not sing-song, “I’m not listening. I’m not listening” with your ears plugged during the prayer before lunch.
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