The Telling Stars

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Watch out, Aries.  This month could prove to be a financial struggle for you.  Don’t make that big purchase you’ve been thinking about, especially if it involves investing in the strip club downtown.  Those bitches be crazy!


Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) Unlike in the past, Taurus, this month you’re going to be lucky in love.  Keep your eyes peeled for that special someone.  When you go out on the weekends, make sure you look your best.  Ladies, keep the girls pushed high and don’t forget to wear your slimming undergarments.  Guys, don’t pick your noses in public and try to shave every once in a while.  And maybe trim your ear hairs, and wear clean underwear and pick up the check and open a girl’s car door and if you ask for her number at the end of the night, DON’T FORGET TO CALL LATER THAT WEEK!


Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This month is going well for you, Gemini.  You’re such a go-getter.  Keep up the good work.  You will profit from sharing your talents with others.  You will make business connections you didn’t foresee.  Well, now you’ll foresee them because I just told you that you were going to make these connections.  So, just try to act surprised, ok?


Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Cancer, I’m going to be straight with you: Stop trying out for those reality shows.  No one is interested in a computer programmer that lives with his mother.  Do not try to live on an island with only the bare necessities or live with 9 other people in a 900 square foot apartment or try to make it on Broadway or take up raising endangered tigers in your basement….wait a second…I’ll call you.


Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You’re such a lion!  Roar!


Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) Whatever you do, Virgo, do not eat the fish.  Gastro-intestinally speaking, this month will prove to be challenging.  Stay away from dairy products as much as possible.  Crackers may be the only way to go.  Look at the bright side, by the end of the month you’ll look FABULOUS.


Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Libra, this month you will question your life goals.  All of the time and energy you have put into work or school or relationships may be in jeopardy.  Tread lightly and try not to make any rash decisions, especially after the tequila shots.  The hair loss is only temporary. 


Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Due to previous month’s frustrations, Scorpio, you will take some much needed time for yourself this month.  An opportunity will come your way for rest and relaxation.  During this down time, you will realize that you are gay.  Next month, your horoscope will simply read, “Ha Ha.  Told you so.”


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Make sure you buy a lottery ticket every day this month, Sagittarius!  Because you are going to win!  Here are your numbers: 23 56 01 43 72 05.  Play these numbers everyday and a great fortune will come your way!  JUST KIDDING.  You suck.


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) What an exciting month for you, Capricorn.  A long-lost relative will contact you this month.  It will most likely be a brother or sister who has found you by using myriad social networking sites.  He/She will contact you by the 13th of the month.  Unfortunately, he/she needs a kidney.  I’ll let you know what you decide in next month’s horoscope.


Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You’re dying, Aquarius.  That’s not a rash.  It’s cancer.  Go on a cruise!


Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Oh, Pisces.  This month, your spouse will find out about your affair.  Oh, well.  You will be glad to be out of the constraints of marriage and exited about the opportunity you have with your new lover.  Too bad your lover is Scorpio and will find out that he/she is gay this month.  Now, you’re alone.