Pleasant Gardens’ Daily News

by Bernie “The Voice” Shoeman


Management has posted a notice concerning birthdays.  It has been decided that we will no longer be celebrating individual birthdays.  Instead, we will celebrate birthdays once a month.  This may have something to do with Ms. Latworst’s heart attack last month during a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday” followed by “How Old Are You.”


There has been a Virgin Mary sighting in Apt. 34. 

Here is the story:

Rita Malone, a 76 year old grandmother of two and avid attendee of the “Sweat Before You Nap” stretching class says of her discovery, “I went to the grocery store this morning.  Among my purchases was a bunch of bananas.  I usually will go for the least bruised, mostly yellow with a bit of green at the stem.  I like to buy them in bunches of three.  Not four, not two, and certainly not six or seven.  What couple could eat six or seven bananas before they go bad?  That sounds like an overload of potassium.  Anyway, I get home and unpack all of the groceries.  And there she is.  Sitting, waiting and smiling.  The Virgin Mary has appeared on one of my bananas.  This beats a grilled cheese, I must say.” 

Virgin Mary Banana

As strange as it may seem, Rita is convinced that this banana is the Holy Virgin Mary.  Rita has her husband, Frank Malone, gently cradle the Virgin Mary in his hands so that we can get a shot.  Rita says, “She [The Virgin Mary] was thrilled.  She told me that she thought of appearing on one of those gold potatoes, but bright yellow suits her, I think.”  We tried to read Frank’s reaction to his wife’s statements concerning actual conversations with the banana, but he seemed to keep his feelings to himself.  So, what does all of this mean for the Malones?  Rita and Frank seem to believe that it is some kind of a sign.  They are not sure what it means just yet.  


Virgin Mary Banana Profile


Virgin Mary Banana w/Pals

Maybe they are waiting for the onion to show them the way. 

The news seems to have spread quickly throughout our living facility, Pleasant Gardens.  Their neighbors are beginning to stop by.  One neighbor, Shirley, who preferred not to give her last name (she lives down the hall in # 42), was doubtful of the divine appearance.  She reacted to the banana by saying, “Rita, you’re such a shmuck.  It’s just a banana.  Why would the Virgin Mary appear to you, anyway?  You haven’t been to mass in 20 years.”   Then, in an unexpected move, Shirley grabbed the Holy Banana and began to peel shouting, “I’ve got some apples and oranges!  We should make a fruit salad!”


Virgin Mary Banana Assault


Virgin Mary Banana Horrible Death

As  you can see, the Holy Banana didn’t survive.  Rita was devastated.  Frank stayed unemotional, but perhaps he was in shock.  Shirley made a fast get-away back down the hall to her apartment quickly locking the door.  We were unable to get a response from Mr. or Mrs. Malone before being forced out by Rita brandishing a spatula in one hand and snapping tongs in the other.


Please remember that after dinner tonight, you can swing by the Arts and Crafts room for a showing of Ann Washington’s salt and pepper shaker collection.  Dessert will be served and doors will be open until 5:30 PM.