I committed a summer sin, a warm weather no-no.  It does not involve leather or white pants.  I did not mix floral patterns or wear black sandals while carrying a brown hobo bag.  I did not “spray tan” and forget to hold my arms out.  I did not take off my bikini top thinking the neighbors were away on vacation.  No, none of these.  I took off my toe nail polish.  THE HORROR.

This will not make sense to any of you men unless you’re into toe nail polish and who am I to judge?  Ladies, you know how dreadful this was for me – especially if you, like me, keep your toe nails hidden all year round.  I paint them so that I do not have to look at their nakedness.  Finger nails are different.  Finger nails are on the fingers.  They can be painted and manicured or unpainted and un-stifled.  That is to say, if you don’t have a weird fungus growing under your finger nails, it is completely acceptable to leave them unpainted.

Toes, toes are on the feet.  And feet are gross.  Number two is that toe nails are on toes that go in shoes and shoes smell, most of them anyway.  And here is where it gets upsetting: because toes are often in socks and shoes, a warm and moist (I hate the word “moist”) habitat, fungi can grow under the nail.  Let me rephrase, FUNGI CAN HAVE A F’IN PARTY SETTING DOWN ROOTS DRINKING YOUR TOE BOOZE HANGING PICTURES OF THEIR FUNGI BABIES AND BUYING FAKE PLANTS.  Haven’t you seen that foul commercial with the fungus that opens the toe nail bed as if it were a door and hops right in?  PURE NASTY.  What does this have to do with my toe nail polish, you ask?  And I answer, “Stupid!  Sit up straight!”  No – just kidding.  I tell you this because if your toe nails or rather my toe nails, because let’s be honest and stick to what’s most important, are painted they are prevented from soaking in the very valuable Vitamin D.  The D comes from the sun.  If your toes are painted, then they can’t bask and this makes them angry.  Somehow, and don’t ask me how, The D helps to prevent a fungi pool party.  It would probably also help if you didn’t walk around in sloppy socks and stinky shoes.

Men, are you still there?  If you are, you’re probably shaking your heads and your faces are scrunched up in disapproval and you’re asking, “Why do women feel the need to paint their toe nails in the first place?”  I’ll tell you why:  BECAUSE OF YOU.  Somehow, someway, way back when, some man decided that he liked toe nails to be colorful and some woman in need to please said man decided to color them and now it’s a VICIOUS CYCLE.  Right now my toe nails are naked and utterly shameful.  I want to paint them to cover up the damage previous paint jobs have caused, but I shouldn’t.  I should leave them naked so they can get a dose of The D and wait for the nails to grow out to show healthy new nails.  CURSES!  It’s the summer.  And in order not to invite a fungus or end up with severely discolored toe nails, I’m being offensive with my naked toes!

BTW:  I don’t know if any of that sunlight/Vitamin D/Fungi business is legit.  I heard it on Oprah, I think.  Take your own chances.  How’s that for a disclaimer?  Also, while we’re here:  I would advise against pedicures unless you make the pedicurist (is that a real word?) disinfect the whole salon while you watch.  Things grow in that water, ya’ll.