Turns out The Hubbs is a very patient man.  We went house hunting this weekend and our marriage is still intact.  HOORAY!  I have a tendency to be an annoying co-pilot.  While The Hubbs was trying to navigate some back streets of a fun neighborhood, I got to sit and tra-la-la-la and then suddenly scream, “OH MY GOSH!  THAT ONE’S SOOOO CUUUUTEEEE!”  Surprisingly, we didn’t careen off the road into a ditch or take down mailboxes or accidentally run up a ramp that would shoot us off into the sky where we would drift momentarily in the clouds of Heaven and then begin our rapid descent back to Earth crashing into the taco stand down the street.  Yum, tacos.  Not only do I have sudden bursts of loud talking, I point across The Hubbs’ chest out his window at things I think are spectacular.  “HOLY CRAP!  THAT LADY HAS THOSE HANGING TOMATO GROWING BAG THINGS!”  You know you wonder about those tomato bags just like I do.

In our extensive house hunting over the past six months, I’ve learned a few things.  And yes, I’m going to share them with you. Right now.  Here we go. Ahem:

  1. Always be suspicious of online pictures that show odd angles of the house or no pictures of the front of the house.  This means it’s ugly with a capital UG.
  2. If there are only three or four pictures of the interior, it means they touched up those rooms and only those rooms.  The rest of the house is a rat-trap.
  3. Phrases like “cozy” and “homey” = small, “slightly lived-in” and “somewhat worn” = dirty and stinky, “room for an office” and “storage space” = odd room too small to fit a bed in or any other normal furniture.
  4. If there’s a basement, be wary.  They may call it “finished,” but by “finished” they mean “Hey, we just held someone hostage down here for a few years and then posed their rotting corpse in a fun party kind of way with sunglasses and then threw darts at them while drinking and spilling 40s of beer that smells like pee with all our buds.
  5. Sometimes a backyard can really be a 3’ x 3’ plot of dirt with people sculptures made out of plastic pots and bits of trash.  Charming.
  6. A one car garage can be a great addition to a house.  A two car garage would be better.  Oh, wait.  Our one car won’t even fit in this garage.  Maybe if we got a Smart Car….we can’t even fit our lawn mower in here!
  7. Structural issues could also mean, “There is a Palmetto Bug left over from the Mesozoic Era living under this house.  He’s the size of a yacht, but only comes out at night.”
  8. Custom designed features include a bath tub in the living room and a mural of the previous owners doing a nakey dance on a tropical island.
  9. Hey, guess what?  The sellers will even include the washer/dryer units.  What glorious fortune!  Come to find out, they are included because they are welded to the floor – in the kitchen.
  10. Who doesn’t like mirrored walls in the bedroom?

 

I know the right house is out there.  I just know it.  I have to believe it.  I have to…”CRIKEY!  LOOK AT THAT RIDICULOUS BIRDFEEDER THAT LOOKS LIKE THE WHITE HOUSE!”

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