Destro has started licking the carpet in random places.  I don’t know what this means.  This is one of the reasons I dislike carpet.  What’s down there, really?  What has he found that has probably been there since before we moved in, something the vacuum won’t get up?  We clean the carpets, but I’m still hesitant to call them “clean.”  And, why is he staring at me as I write this?  I think he knows I’m writing about him.  I think he can read my mind.  Or maybe I smell like food. 

We were at an off-leash dog park, which I’ve decided is like being at the playground for childless couples and singles.Destro  We talk to each other about our “children” and compare destruction stories.  We scold them like we would a human toddler: “He was playing with that toy first, Bogey! Lucy, don’t you run away from me! Pookie, don’t eat that!”  We also take offense at other parents that won’t control their children.  “Who does she think she is?  Does she not see her dog on the picnic table?  Why is he letting his dog quarterback the other dogs like that?  Why won’t he make him stop?”  The better parents’ dog isn’t eating dirt or dragging another dog by the collar or running in circles with lines of drool on his face.

The Hubbs and I saw ourselves as one of the better parents.  Destro is a bit of a loner.  He doesn’t cause any problems.  He likes to scout the perimeter of the park and mark every inch of desirable territory.  Once he’s out of ammunition, he will watch other packs of dogs running from one side of the park to another.  Occasionally, he will run in at the end of a wild chase and give a bark or two.  We call him “The Referee.”  So, there we were at the dog park one Saturday morning smiling at each other and thinking how lucky we are to have such a well-behaved child.  We were standing near a bucket of water keeping an eye out for the token humper of the day when it happened.

Destro walked up to the bucket and peed on it then turned around and pooped in the bucket.  IN THE BUCKET.  HE POOPED IN IT.  BACKED UP AND POOPED IN THE BUCKET.  I sucked in all of the air surrounding us and within a 4 block radius.  “No!  He did not just do that!”  The other dog owners started laughing.  We had to do something, which obviously gave us away as his parents.  We were asked if we trained him to do that, which in hindsight, we should have said “yes” and then made up some ridiculous and lengthy story about growing up in a travelling circus and learning to train elephants to wear party hats and blow bubbles.   But, no, we hadn’t trained him to relieve himself in a bucket.  It is true that he prefers backing up to something that has some height to it, something that is off the ground like a bush.  He sits on them.  Like a toilet.  Okay, so maybe that’s a little weird, too.

The Hubbs cleaned out the bucket.  Bless him.  And Destro pranced off very pleased and less bloated.