Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Aries, this is your last week on earth.  I know, we’ll miss you.  Send a blank check to my mailing address and I’ll see if I can turn this around.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) Taurus, please reconsider those pants you bought this past weekend.  If we can see the outline of your angel tattoo on your left cheek through your pants, they are too tight.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Gemini, they know where you hid the drugs.  And, ooh, that can’t be comfortable.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Cancer, your wife does not want to go to the Neil Diamond concert with you.  She thinks you’re ridiculous.  If you make her go, she will not have sex with you for two years.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Leo, stop making pecan pies when you feel guilty.  Your family cannot handle anymore pies.  And, you’ve got to get over the secret lady-crush you have on your yoga instructor.  She will call you by the wrong name this week in class.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) Virgo, this week will prove challenging.  If you’re not careful, your co-workers will discover your obsession with bead necklace making.  You should rethink expanding your craft room by knocking down the wall to your bathroom.  You need that wall.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Happy Birthday, Libra.  This week you will discover your suspicions about your spouse are legitimate.  He is trying on your clothes after you leave for work.  He is in the middle of a psychotic break and planning on getting rid of you and playing both Mommy and Daddy.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Weeeeee, Scorpio!  This week will be loads of fun.  The tests will turn out to be negative and you will be so excited that you will spend money willy-nilly.  Make sure to check in next week because you may get hit by a bus.  Isn’t uncertainty fun?

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Stop lying to yourself.  They don’t look real and yes, one is higher than the other.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Finally, Capricorn, love will come your way this week.  You will find your soul mate, your one and only, your perfect match.  It’s your ex and you just spent over $3000 on therapy sessions to get over the relationship.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Aquarius, your neighbor is a Wiccan.  Move.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Pisces, this week you will realize while your mother-in-law was visiting, she used your toothbrush to comb her underarm hairs.  She’s in to natural living and hates you.