Trying to buy a house listed as a “short sale” is equivalent to accidentally shooting yourself in the face.  You survive, don’t worry.  You’re rushed to the hospital where the medical team miraculously saves your life, but in order to do so they have to remove both of your arms and you lay in your hospital bed in your private hospital room that is too bright because the last nurse forgot to turn off the overhead beam because she was crying too hard over her husband’s latest decision to quit his job to sell whey protein shakes with his cousin and you can’t turn it off because you have no arms and then the phone starts ringing and the nurse comes in to answer it and she starts squealing and holding her free hand in the air, shaking it back and forth while hopping up and down and she yells at you that it’s Harpo, that it’s Oprah’s people and she asks you “Aren’t you excited? Don’t you want to talk to them?  They want to interview you about your face and your arms!” And you lay there because it’s hard to answer questions when you’ve been shot in the face, but the nurse takes your silence as a “yes, I would like Oprah’s producers to interview me” because who wouldn’t want to be on Oprah? She could be a huge stepping-stone to book deals or a mini-series or an action-figure and you bet she smells nice, too.  So, the nurse tells them “yes, yes, yes!” and you wait and wait and wait and Oprah’s people never come because they decide to go with the lady who got cut in half in a string of unfortunate events that culminated in her legs getting caught between a China Lodge IV building and a fallen sign that said, “Go bless Awerica Fried rice 2min.”  Fortunately, the local news does a spot on you and the owner of a boutique sends over a package containing a mannequin’s arm and leg along with a note that says “Sorry we didn’t send two arms. Neil isn’t back from break yet.” So, you look them over with your good eye and decide that maybe these will fit and you admire the shapeliness of your new arm-leg and you feel good.  You feel good because now you have an arm and an arm-leg and that means things must be looking up…

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