You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘humour’ tag.
Over the past few months, my husband and I have come to the realization that no, we’re not going on that over-seas trip because we’re having a baby! We’re not installing new kitchen cabinetry because we’re having a baby! We’re not fencing in our backyard because we’re having a baby! You’re not going on that sky-diving trip because we’re having a baby and you can’t die and leave me here alone. What?
The money we would be spending is now going to nipple cream, butt cream, blankets that you receive things in, blankets that you wrap things up in, blankets that are annoyingly called “lovies”. Swings, play-pens or yards or packs or boxes, onesies – twosies – threesies. If you’re a new parent, the list is overwhelming. Will my child die if I don’t buy this brand of wipe? Should I be concerned about this pacifier and the manufacturer’s evil plan to confuse my baby? Is this my mother’s nipple? IS IT? I’m so confused! Maybe my baby should have this type of toy so that he is intellectually stimulated at a very young age, which will prove to be beneficial when he is sitting for the MCAT in 20 plus years.
Check these out:
Staring rabbits. Any way you turn this puzzle, the rabbits just keep staring. Is this really interesting to a toddler? Where are the fun colors and the cute bunny faces? I get it. There are several different ways to solve this puzzle. Thank God. I wouldn’t want my child to get his feelings hurt when it didn’t work on his first try. Now, to go and find a little league soccer team where the coach cheers when a player runs away from the ball and tells him, “Hey, great job recognizing your feelings about that ball. Who needs to score? Or play the game, right? High-five.”
Look are that pretty green paint. So soothing. Cute bassinet, right? Hmm…wheels may not be a great idea.
OH MY GOD. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT DUCK?!
I phone, you phone, we all phone for ridiculous apps. Hey, hun, we should totally buy that app that analyzes our baby’s cry. I mean, I definitely want to put my overly expensive phone in the crib where our child can have explosive diarrhea all over it and then I’ll be like, Oh, no. Baby is crying. Let me go check my phone and see why. Wait. I can’t because it’s covered in poop. What do I do now?!! I just want to know if the app recognizes the cry of a baby who is sad she was born to such f-ing idiots.
Oh, Glory Be! Do you think she knows there’s a baby coming out of that hole in her vest? Maybe you’ve seen this picture before. I searched for its origin and could not for sure connect it to www.togetherbe.com, but it seems likely they are the ones to blame. And, they’ve taken this particular product off the website. Wonder why? I love alien baby heads. This particular baby head is consuming this woman from the inside out. But at least they are both warm.
In our household, updating the Netflix queue is just about as important as taking a shower, which is very important – especially during the summer. Every time I run across a movie, a classic movie that The Hubbs hasn’t seen I’m astonished. How have you made it this far in life without seeing The Godfather trilogy or The Deer Hunter? Are you a real person? Or have I made you up and my brain couldn’t possibly make you 100% perfect, so your one flaw is that you haven’t watched M*A*S*H, the movie?
Me: Well, what are you in the mood for next?
The Hubbs: Ummm..
Me: OH MY GOSH! You could finally watch Animal House and become a real boy.
The Hubbs: …
Me: How come you haven’t seen this, anyway?
The Hubbs: We’ve been over this. My parents didn’t watch a lot of movies. Because…
Me: Because they didn’t want you to see “R” rated movies?
The Hubbs: No. Because…
Me: Because, honestly, “R” rated movies? Ya’ll were out jumping off of roofs and getting tangled in fences and jumping off of bridges. You probably would have been safer inside watching an “R” rated movie.
The Hubbs: BECAUSE my parents had other things to do. They were busy. That’s why.
Us: …
Me: That’s dumb.
Thank God he’s seen Blazing Saddles. This marriage will work afterall.
It’s almost time for second breakfast, so I’ll keep this short.
Destro went swimming in the river.
Destro went swimming in the river and got a microorganism up his you-know-what.
Destro went swimming in the river and got a microorganism up his you-know-what that caused a bladder infection.
Destro is now on antibiotics.
I got a new camera.
And some dirty looks.
It’s so hot. Sooooo hot. It’s the kind of hot where you sweat when you step out of the shower, which makes me believe that showering may be a waste of time. And, it’s only June. It’ so hot that I considered joining a pool, something I didn’t think I would need to do until our kids become walking age. But it’s so damn hot. So, I searched online.
I’m not a water person. I’m not an outdoor person. Have you seen my picture? This ginger isn’t so attractive after a day at the pool or at the beach or a few minutes in a Walmart parking lot. I’m convinced that every Walmart is a gateway to Hell. I burn faster within a five-mile radius. Give me ten minutes outside with out sunscreen and prepare to nurse my blisters the rest of the day. Of course, if I’m going to be out – let’s say at the Farmer’s Market (because that makes me sound trendy when I really should be saying “the line for giant corn dogs at the state fair”) – I will slather on sunscreen. And I don’t care what people say about the number on the bottle. If one reads “80” and the other “25”, I’m buying the “80”. I’ll give it a chance. I wear hats, sunglasses and make sure to reapply sunscreen if I’m out for the long-haul. I do this so that I don’t end up in an oatmeal bath or need to wear The Hubbs’ baggy clothes for a week or need to change my personal theme song to “Rock Lobster.” Imagine my glee when I found an indoor public pool. The heavens are listening! I’ll admit that “public” can sometimes mean “Hey, come swim with that homeless guy who hangs out under the 540 bridge while he takes his monthly bath.” But this place is pretty swanky. Well, it looks swanky from the pictures online. I haven’t actually been to the facilities to check them out. However, from the online info, it seems that I can take water aerobics in the mornings. Hello! I can swim with a bunch of grandmas and be the best looking one there. Take that, golden girls.
Finding a pool meant I had to find a bathing suit. Can I point out that just because I would rather have a suit with a skirt because of some “issue areas” doesn’t mean that I want to look like a two-year old with a frilly bottom. And nevermind trying to find a maternity suit (yes, maternity – there’s a baby in there, so they tell me) that provides my lower half with some decent coverage. Oh, and one that provides ample support up top? I don’t want to accidentally practice nursing on the guy that isn’t looking where he’s swimming.
I just want to get some exercise. And get out of this heat. And do it some what fashionably. And beat those grandmas at their own game.
How long until fall?
My house was filled with estrogen this weekend as I hosted a girls’ weekend get-away for my closest friends. As promised there was a lot of laughter, some booze and a stirrup pants sighting at the mall. Bonus activities included an impromptu fashion show in my living room and laughing at old pictures that I didn’t realize were on my friend’s facebook account (thanks, Erin.). God, it’s good to be a girl.
Once the party was over and everyone had packed up and started on their treks back home, I hunkered down with my laptop and told myself I was going to figure out this coupon clipping craze. This can’t be hard. I’ve never won at Monopoly, but I have kicked ass in Candy Land. So, I’m golden, right?
I was in Walmart last week stocking up on essentials for the coming girls’ weekend frivolity when I passed this woman who was thumbing through a large zippered binder full of coupons. They were organized in these plastic pockets, just like the ones my brother used to stash his basketball cards in, which, by the way, he would not let me touch. This may have something to do with some G I Joes I buried in the front yard. I stopped beside her and said, “I think you might be my hero.” We talked for about 15 minutes. She explained her strategies to me, most of which I have already forgotten probably due to some episodes of Housewives of NY. Those women are killing my brain cells.
I watched my hero flip through her binder showing me how to organize by store (she goes to at least two different grocery stores depending on the deals) and then by item. She looked at my cart (Embarrassing! I didn’t have a chance to explain to her that I don’t usually by four different kinds of bread or two tubs of sour cream at a time or drink that much beer by myself) and she noticed my two boxes of Suddenly Salad (Oh my gosh! This salad is so sudden.) and instantly knew that she had a coupon for fifty cents off two boxes of Suddenly Salad and gave it to me. Did I mention that she had a small child with her? How did she remember that coupon existed? Then, she wrote down two sites (here and here) for me to visit for more info on clipping coupons. I think that if I had invited her to come to my house and show me how to put a coupon binder together, she would have come and brought snacks – free snacks that she bought by combining coupons and sales deals.
But I did not invite her, so here I sit on my own visiting these sites she wrote down for me and trying not to get distracted by Bejeweled Blitz or online Scrabble. It’s just that I was never good at math and I loathed word problems. And these sites, while they do offer a great deal of information, do not offer step-by-step, outlined, color-coded instructions on how to get the most out of clipping. I would even settle for old school clip-art hieroglyphics because let’s face it. I’m a visual learner. All these words. Blah blah blah coupons blah blah manufacturer blah blah double blah blah stock piling (should I be worried?) blah blah it’s so simple. Kiss my fanny. It’s not simple. It’s panic-inducing. Do they make coupons for Zoloft?
The thing is, I’m sure there is a justifiable savings for all this work. I just wish I could download a manual directly to my brain or hire someone to shop with me and show me the ropes. OOh, or hire a personal shopper AND a personal coupon clipper. If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t have to use the coupons at all.
I wonder if we have any booze left…
And So They Did... 