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On this particular morning, I walked into the cafe and found Alissa sitting in the back. She’d already gotten herself a coffee. She was holding the cup with both hands, still feeling the chill from outside. She was wearing jeans and a fabulous off white sequined top under the perfect navy blazer (not a spot of spit-up to be found), a pair of slouchy knee high boots – low heel – in mahogany with side buckles and they DID fit her calves. She had a manicure. French, pppfff of course. Her wedding and engagement rings fit her ring finger perfectly. Her hair looked lovely tucked behind one ear with ease, curls flowing and not frizzing. As I approached the table, I noticed her looking down and smiling. Of course. She’d brought the baby. He was in his carseat. I stopped and watched for a moment. As I stepped closer to the table his face became visible and I could see why she didn’t want to take her eyes off of him. He was THE CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD.
Me: Hi, Alissa.
Alissa: Hi! So good to see you.
Me: Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview. It’s been awhile.
Alissa: Yes, it has. But the time off has been worth it. She looks down at her son…nope…sorry her manicure.
Me: He’s beautiful. How old is he now?
Alissa: Thank you. Ten weeks, eleven on Saturday.
Me: He’s so calm, such a good baby. He seems very advanced. He was holding a menu running his finger down the list of iced drinks.
Alissa: How nice of you to say that. Yes, I don’t mean to brag, but he is quite extraordinary. I don’t want to compare my baby to others. Although, he does seem to be gifted. And perfect. And gorgeous. In fact, he may start talking next week – you never know! She laughs.
Me: And how are you doing as a new mom?
Alissa: Wonderfully, I think. I’ve managed to look stunning, didn’t you notice? And, my child is clean, in a fresh diaper, keeping to himself and occasionally smiling at me to let me know that he needs me but is not overly needy. My husband is completely content with our new family life and is sure we’ll be able to afford everything a child needs. If you were to go to my house right now, my floors would be vacuumed, laundry done and put away, dishes loaded in the dishwasher and everything in its place.
Me: That sounds…almost impossible, but okay. So, you’re getting back to work then? We would love to know what’s next for you.
Alissa: Work? Who’s working? I had a kid so I could stay home and watch Oprah.
Me: Ha. That’s a joke…right? Anyway, you’ll be churning out something stellar soon?
Alissa: Totally. Yes.
…
Isn’t my child pretty? His poop smells like the rainforest.
We sat and talked for another hour while her son filled out an application for Mensa or plotted the takedown of all wireless communications – I’m not sure. I swear he winked at me once. Look for a continuation of this interview in next month’s issue. Find out Alissa’s other uses for a breast pump and why you shouldn’t panic when the doctor delivering your baby says, “What is that?”
Pleasant Gardens’ Daily News
by Bernie “The Voice” Shoeman
THIS JUST IN…
Management has posted a notice concerning birthdays. It has been decided that we will no longer be celebrating individual birthdays. Instead, we will celebrate birthdays once a month. This may have something to do with Ms. Latworst’s heart attack last month during a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday” followed by “How Old Are You.”
Also…
There has been a Virgin Mary sighting in Apt. 34.
Here is the story:
Rita Malone, a 76 year old grandmother of two and avid attendee of the “Sweat Before You Nap” stretching class says of her discovery, “I went to the grocery store this morning. Among my purchases was a bunch of bananas. I usually will go for the least bruised, mostly yellow with a bit of green at the stem. I like to buy them in bunches of three. Not four, not two, and certainly not six or seven. What couple could eat six or seven bananas before they go bad? That sounds like an overload of potassium. Anyway, I get home and unpack all of the groceries. And there she is. Sitting, waiting and smiling. The Virgin Mary has appeared on one of my bananas. This beats a grilled cheese, I must say.”
As strange as it may seem, Rita is convinced that this banana is the Holy Virgin Mary. Rita has her husband, Frank Malone, gently cradle the Virgin Mary in his hands so that we can get a shot. Rita says, “She [The Virgin Mary] was thrilled. She told me that she thought of appearing on one of those gold potatoes, but bright yellow suits her, I think.” We tried to read Frank’s reaction to his wife’s statements concerning actual conversations with the banana, but he seemed to keep his feelings to himself. So, what does all of this mean for the Malones? Rita and Frank seem to believe that it is some kind of a sign. They are not sure what it means just yet.
Maybe they are waiting for the onion to show them the way.
The news seems to have spread quickly throughout our living facility, Pleasant Gardens. Their neighbors are beginning to stop by. One neighbor, Shirley, who preferred not to give her last name (she lives down the hall in # 42), was doubtful of the divine appearance. She reacted to the banana by saying, “Rita, you’re such a shmuck. It’s just a banana. Why would the Virgin Mary appear to you, anyway? You haven’t been to mass in 20 years.” Then, in an unexpected move, Shirley grabbed the Holy Banana and began to peel shouting, “I’ve got some apples and oranges! We should make a fruit salad!”
As you can see, the Holy Banana didn’t survive. Rita was devastated. Frank stayed unemotional, but perhaps he was in shock. Shirley made a fast get-away back down the hall to her apartment quickly locking the door. We were unable to get a response from Mr. or Mrs. Malone before being forced out by Rita brandishing a spatula in one hand and snapping tongs in the other.
Please remember that after dinner tonight, you can swing by the Arts and Crafts room for a showing of Ann Washington’s salt and pepper shaker collection. Dessert will be served and doors will be open until 5:30 PM.
It was the end of the school year at Graybank Elementary and a group of fifth grade teachers had volunteered to man the “Greek Festival” booth for the Field Day activities. For the students of Graybank, Field Day was a treasure. It meant the end of the school year, warm weather and outdoor activities for the entire school day. The were several booths set up on the baseball field behind the school including the Civil War booth, the Spanish Culture booth and the Don’t Do Drugs Campaign booth, among others. A mostly friendly competition has grown over the past few years between the Spanish Culture and Greek Festival booths. The teachers prepared food and prizes to entice the children. Unfortunately, one of the teachers decided to bring real wine to the Greek Festival this year. Mrs. Lindsay was tired of the monotony of previous years and wanted to spice things up a bit. Removing all of her clothes was deemed necessary after the third toast. This year, Spanish Culture wins.
[Happy Birthday, Adam.]
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And in other Enchanted Forest news …
Princess Aurora, locally known as Sleeping Beauty, was aroused today by Prince Phillip. Despite rumors of faking interminable sleep, Princess Aurora seemed to be quite shaken upon waking. It appeared she truly had been asleep for months. Seen in this video just posted on YouTube:
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Yes, that’s right, folks. She did punch the Prince. He’s reportedly doing fine, nursing a bruised cheek, but otherwise in good health. He joked that they really “hit it off.”
Snow White is brought in by investigators.
The rumors surfaced after tweets were updated from a “@princesssunshine” indicating she was “bored” and “ready to get this show on the road” and “Ha. I totally fooled those royal d*****bags.” These tweets caused a great decline in Princess Aurora’s number of supporters. Some even began to doubt her royal lineage wondering if this sleeping beauty was, in fact, the King and Queen’s real daughter. Later, it was discovered that this Twitter profile was registered to a disgruntled Snow White. She was awakened by her Prince a few weeks ago. Unfortunately for Snow White, her Prince left her after the first week sighting difficulty to compete with seven other men. Her actions against Princess Aurora lead one to believe she had succumbed to jealousy and perhaps wanted a “do-over” in the prince department. The King and Queen are grateful that the record has been set straight.
Princess Aurora’s Fairy Godmothers Flora, Fauna and Merryweather could not be reached for comment.
Our reporters were able to catch up with Maleficent in the King’s dungeon:
“Curses! Curses! A spindle? Really? What was I thinking?”
She followed this up by spitting fire. The reporter escaped with minor injuries, just slightly singed.
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For my brother William, I am Jacob Grimm and that’s the news. The End.
By Bud Tranner, The North Fulton Spirit/ Writer.
ALPHARETTA, GEORGIA – Thursday, 6 AM: Suspicious mobile home fire. Local investigators rummage through wreckage for clues to how this fire started.
All that remains of the Browns’ home is the scorched shell. Their mobile home, located in the Paradise Found mobile neighborhood, burned down late Wednesday. The Chief of Police has yet to release a statement concerning the cause of the fire, but neighbors are describing this scene as “fishy” and “no surprise.” The residents of the home were Britton Brown and his now estranged wife Lanny. Margaret Lewis, eye-witness and BFF to Lanny Brown says that she heard some yelling at around 10 PM.
Margaret says, “Well, you know, it ain’t like we never heard yelling around here. Am I supposed to call the police every time [I] got to listen to a domestral dispute? I mean, Lanny’s a good friend. Don’t get me wrong. But she’s ain’t moving in with me. Also, I’ll just say that I think Britt’s a dog.”
As far as can be determined, the Brown’s mobile home began burning at around 10:45 Wednesday night. From the looks of the debris, a collection of Mars, Inc. M&M’s paraphernalia may have been lost. There seems to be a pile of what may be clothes lying in the center of what may have been the living room. Fortunately, not all is lost. The Jim Beam bar mirror survived the tragedy. Both residents are known smokers.
Lanny Brown, 33, formerly Lanny Putt, married Britton Brown, 35, in 1996. She has been known to describe that year as “fuzzy.” They purchased their mobile home the same year. The Browns have no children, for which, can be accounted. Both Lanny and Britton work at the local tire manufacturing plant Rubbers Up. Britton recently acquired fame as he was dubbed Rubbers Up’s “Fastest Inner Tuber.” Lanny works as the office manager and oversees the scheduling of shipments.
A coworker, Samuel Jenkins told us, “Man, Lanny is loud in that office, I tell you. She gets a hold of that microphone [PA system] and starts hollering for Britton to come to the office. I think all us guys ribbed him for that. Ain’t right for your wife to be hollering like that in front of everybody else. That voice can turn a man off real quick. We all were waiting for the day he’d quit her. [E]Specially since he just won that company award and all. The ladies love awards.”
Lanny and Britton could not be reached for comment. The Unlawful Acts Investigations Department has asked the couple to remain mum.
…UPDATE… Thursday, 12:30 PM
New information has been released by the Unlawful Acts Investigations Department just this morning.
On Wednesday evening at or around 10 PM, Britton Brown was seen entering his residence. A few minutes later, shouting could be heard from inside. Eyewitnesses have come forward to state they saw Lanny through the Browns’ living room window throwing large candy-men figurines at Britton. Then, Britton is said to have shouted, “I am the fastest inner tuber!” To which, Lanny responds, “Big, fat, hairy deal, Britt. And I can light my cigarette with my toes! Who cares?” Lanny allegedly kicks the ash tray in an attempt to pick up her lighter. A lit cigarette falls from the ash tray onto the pile of clothes resting on the floor. The Browns escaped the home within moments of the conflagration.
…UPDATE… Thursday, 9 PM
The Unlawful Acts Investigations Department has arrested 56 year old Margaret Lewis and charged her and Lanny Brown with arson and attempted murder. Lanny Brown has also been charged with insurance fraud. Sources inside the department say that Margaret Lewis acted as their prime witness, but was unable to repeat details of the events leading investigators to believe she might be a liar. Through further investigation, it was revealed that Margaret and Lanny were allegedly in cahoots. Also surprisingly, the Mars, Inc. M&M’s collection belonged to Britton and not to Lanny as first assumed.
“Insurance money seems to be the motive,” says Detective Juarez. “It looks like they were planning to use the money to run out of town. They expected Britton to be passed out drunk in his La-Z-Boy by that hour. Ms. Lewis became a turn-coat after realizing that with Mr. Brown still alive, she didn’t have a chance at the money.”
Although drunk, Britton was not passed out yet in his La-Z-Boy. He had been out celebrating his company award – again – and arrived home late.
According to Juarez, “Mr. Brown appears to be devastated and still drunk.”
A bond hearing is scheduled for Monday morning.
Bud Tranner is a new staff writer for The North Fulton Spirit. His previous work was in traffic reporting and obituaries.
And So They Did... 